Don’t go away, stay a little more…

Last Sunday my bestest friend moved out of the country.

He’s from Germany and for the past 5 years he’s been willing to go back, and for the past 2 he’s been actively searching for jobs there. (I sorta told his story here once…)

So now it finally happened. He is happy and I’m happy for him.

But….

It hurts so much to see your best friend go to live 5,000 miles away from you…
Having lunch together won’t be as easy as a quick drive to his office building, even chat won’t be as easy as real time due to the time differences…

So in this post today I share a song that has been on my mind ever since he got the job offer and confirmed the date he’d be going.
The song is in Portuguese, so I also share the link with the lyrics and translation, below the video:

Lyrics translation:
http://lyricstranslate.com/en/teorema-theorem.html-0

Bis später, mein Freund!

I need to see people

This week i’m feeling anxious. It’s a mix of several things.

I’ve been working from home and that’s not something that resonates well with me. I’m a social bug and need daily contact with people. Working remotely feels lonely.

On top of that my team is not great on communicating on email or IM anyways, which makes it even more isolated and lonely.

Then, my husband is traveling for a total of 3 weeks, and won’t be back for the next 2.

Then, my best friend is moving out of the country. Yesterday we went for lunch on what I thought it would be the last time I was seeing him in a very long time. At the end we schedule another lunch for next week, which is great, but then that will be it for sure.
And I’ll miss him painfully.

Other friends are too busy trying not to get laid off and it’s been hard to meet them for lunch or something.

…..

And all of that is making it so hard to concentrate that even the one thing that would distract me (work) is being left to the side, while I keep getting bored in facebook and instagram…

Oh well…

I guess it’s time for another job change. It seems I just need a job out of the home.

Job hunting, here I come again….

 

 

Weekly Writing Challenge: Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I’m 37 years old and I’m aware that I have a great friends, wonderful nephews I babysit sometimes, an awesome job on a great company. A good life, most would say. But somehow sometimes I feel everything is just plain wrong in my life. My best friends are irritating and do everything wrong, my nephews are cute but I just don’t have the patience with them at all, my job is not motivating enough, the company sucks, with too much politics in the team.

Deep inside I know they are all good, but I still can’t stand it anymore. Sometimes I feel like dropping everything and starting all over with different people, different career, different life. Because my life seems to suck big time. Just wrong!

I feel lost and I don’t know what to do, how to start fixing my life.

Please, help.

Magda

=======================================================================

Dear Magda,

I feel for you, but one thing I would ask you to do is to evaluate each of the statements you wrote in your letter.

Typically, when a person tells that everything is her life is wrong, then the problem is not really in the everything, but on the person. More precisely on the person’s attitude towards the everything.

A career change sometimes is a good thing, but are you really unhappy with your current one? Wasn’t it the career you chose in the past? What has changed since then?

You nephews are just kids, and they’ll love you in any case. But you should always remember that they are most likely making your life better than worse. That may help finding the tranquility when the patience is running out and get back into being a nice auntie.

You also said that your best friends are irritating and do everything wrong. My question to you is if this ‘everything wrong’ they do are new to them, or if they have always been like that and have always done the same ‘wrong’ things. If the answer is the later, then I ask why wasn’t the ‘everything wrong’ an issue for you in the past when your friendship was formed and why it is a problem now?

So my advise is to try to think more objectively and evaluate each of your problems to see if the problem is indeed in the subject or if it’s on the way you’re currently looking at it.

Best regards,

Abby

 

 

This post was written in response to the Weekly Writing Challenge: Dear Abby

 

The top 5 regrets I may but will try not to have before I die

This week, a friend posted in his Facebook a video of a doctor in a Brazilian hospital talking about a study made by an Australian nurse that lists the top 5 regrets of the dying.

I could not find a nice video in English, so posting here the link to the blog of the author of the study.

http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html

Right now, looking at those regrets, I identify some of them as potential regrets I’ll have later in life.

So i guess I have to start changing, right.

Actually I’ve been changing already, but maybe not as much or as fast.

So lets talk about each individually:

1.  I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

Not sure if I’m too guilty of that one. Sometimes I may do like others expect me too (having retired this blog as one example) but not so much I guess. Not to the point of having a reason to regret. I guess…

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

Define work! Hahaha. I do work hard in a way that I spend a lot of time in the office, which is time taken away from family. Sometimes I have the chance to go back home early, but because I know once I get home I won’t have time for certain things (like blogging) I stay at the office even longer for that. It’s not work, but still time away from family spent in the office. That said, if anything is needed for family that would required me to miss work, I don’t hesitate. Hubby does sometimes hesitate (although I need to be fair that when really needed he’s always there for them too. Nope, can’t complain of him at all), I never do.

I do wish though, that I would spend less time in the office so I could do things that interest me more. The problem being that I don’t enjoy my job really. If I did, I’d be more cool about this.

And I AM working on that. I am back to school to learn a new profession and be able to change and do something more enjoyable and potentially more flexible that would give me more time for leisure.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

This is one of the biggest ones for me. I do have a hard time. Especially when it comes to expressing my feeling to the people that matter the most. I can totally talk about my feelings to a stranger or a good friend who is just that, a good friend. But as soon as the person becomes really close to me and as soon as the feelings are related to them, regardless of what sort of feelings, than I have a hard time. I do say I love you to the loved ones, but I usually don’t say when I’m mad with them for whatever reason, when my feelings are hurt. I simply shut up and go on, which I know it’s not healthy and does not help the person realize that they could have hurt me (sometimes it’s not intentional, and they just don’t realize it.)

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Yep, that’s another one. Although nowadays with Facebook and other social media t;s easier to find old friends again and reconnect. It’s never the same level of relationship. Especially if you are 7,000 miles away from them, so still a reason to some regret. But just the fact that we’re trying to reconnect I guess eases this one a bit.

 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I’m trying this one hard! and you know what, I’m succeeding on it.

I won’t tell here that I’m 100% happy at 100% of the time (this past couple of weeks being an example of not feeling too extremely happy, as you can see in my previous post), but I’m doing much better now that I was 2 years ago.

Just need to continue living like that to not have this regret when my time comes.

So there you go. An evaluation of how I am doing in regards to the top 5 regrets.

 

Bad week?

This week has been so tough?

Not that there is anything bad happening, but I just not in a good mood…

Maybe because I’m tired of having my guests at home and with that I’m feeling anxious to see the day they go back home (in 3 days! Yoo-hoo!)

Maybe because I’ve been eating too much carbs and sugars, which I have already proven myself it does not help me keep my good moods.

Maybe because I’m just tired, having set myself to study 2 subjects in 2 different environments (Web Design in a classroom, on evenings, at Bellevue College; Python, online at Coursera)

Maybe because after a few weeks of very good weather, it’s been rainy and cold again.

Maybe because I haven’t worked out this week, since Miss V in on vacation and I haven’t really walked.

Maybe because I miss my friends, who I haven’t seen in a bit.

Maybe because I’ve been closing myself up in this office and some days I barely talk to anyone in the team.

Maybe because I’m not playing enough! (http://charliehoehn.com/2013/05/19/how-i-cured-my-anxiety/)

Oh well.

Just hope next week, when life gets back into the go’ol routine, I’ll start feeling better again.

Thought of the day

What the heck am i doing in here????

Not that I don’t like my job. I just don’t think it’s the job for me….

But if not this one, then what?
What else can I do? (yeah, yeah… quite a lot of stuff I know, but would them be enough to get me a job?)
What motivates me?
What do I WANT to do???

Don’t know….
😦

I Love My BFFs!!!

Really do.

No, nothing special happened this week to trigger this post.

Just plain desire to share the love. ;o)

Sometime that happens to me. That I feel so much love that I start sharing it away. Usually I tell directly to the people I love, but the problem is that if it becomes repetitive it can lead them to misunderstand the type of love. Especially if we consider that my BFFs are all guys and I’m a married girl…

Oh well, just wanted to register the love I feel for them.

Ok to feel good about something bad?

Ok. today I feel a bit weird.

I work with someone who is the opposite of me. She’s nice and she’s very efficient and gets lots of work done, but she’s also very stressed out, she freaks out for anything, she’s not too flexible and can be a bit bossy. I, in the other hand, am very relaxed, I don’t freak out at all, trusting that everything will be good at the end, I’m extremelly flexible (sometimes too much even) and I lack leadership skills, which means not a tinny little bit bossy, not even when I should be.

So we sort of complement each other and work well together. She keep things going, I keep things from falling apart. She’s the engine, I’m the cooling agent. ;o)

Somethimes I must confess it’s a bit irritating to be around her when she’s acting unflexibly, bossy or freackedy, but oh well… tha heck. That’s life. Sometimes we need to deal with people like that. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

In our company we have a big and heavy performance review process. And the whole process is obviously very competitive, considering that you’re compared with your peers to decide who gets what. I have been performing average at the best lately, and I always thought she’d get better reviews than me, just because she seems much more productive than me.

But today, I hear that there is a generic concern around some of our peers, some of the leaders and even our skip level, about her unflexible, bossy and irritating behaviour.

One side of me feels bad for her, because I do like her. She is a nice person. She really is. Just a bit too worrying.

But the other side one me feels great, because in regards to behaviour and relationships, all I hear people talking about me is good. And I believe people do like me because I am very flexible, I’m always smiling (truly, not faking), I’m fair, I get along with everyone. So I guess I’m seen as a light nice sweet presence. Even if sometimes I slack a bit at work, if I take too long to respond, if I lack leadership skills… And that puts me on a better position than her in that regards. So if people are to compare us, she may win on productivity, but I win on being a better fit for the team and on personal relationships, which is also valued in the company.

I’m not saying that my job is safe because of that. I still need to improve my performance (and I guess I will, now that I’m out of depression). But I just feel that, after all, I was not in such a bad position as I thought I was. Just hope not to be disapointed after performace discussion, which should happen soon…

Anyway, this conflicting feelings make me feel a bit weird.

But I guess I’ll pick the feeling good about being the nice cop and let her deal with the feedback she’ll get…

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Announced! Relieve…

Ok, so today our pregnancy reaches the 12th week mark.

And yesterday we had a second ultrasound, for the nuchal transluscency measurement.

So today I annouced the pregnancy to my co-workers and friends.

Some of them actually already knew because since last week people has been wondering and some had the gut to ask.

Feel better now. I hate not being able to talk freely about stuff…

;o)

 

And now… a cute picture from yesterday’s ultrasound…

IMG_0574

First glimpse of the baby

Today we went for the first ultra sound exam. Mommy is over 35, so a US at 6-7 weeks is advised to see if there is a heart beat.

And there is!

Baby is 1 cm long, looks more like a tiny peanut, but it’s our baby.

Toddler’s little sibling!

So in regards to previous post (To tell or not to tell), we decided to let grandparents know about pregnancy today. Ideally we would like to wait until 12 weeks (we’re 7 weeks and 1 day) but it’s hard to hide when they are living with us.

Mommy is already putting up some weight, boobs are bit bigger, tummy is getting rounded… plus the lack of freedom to talk about it even at home is getting to my nerves already. Not that we would be talking a lot about it, but even a quick silly comment is not possible if we’re trying to hide…

Let’s see how they’ll react. I can bet there will be lots of tears rolling out of their faces… and mommy will start beeing more pampared then she would like (not the kind of person who likes to be too extremelly pampared – go figure!).

Well. That’s it for now. If I can get a hold of a scanner, I might scan the pictures and post here.

Are we expecting a second one?

Don’t know yet. But it’s possible. A couple more days before things are confirmed as late and test is performed…

We were thinking about it. We wanted it to happen sometime soon (we? or was it mostly me?). We played a bit on the days when playing can have consequences, but wasn’t really counting on it. Don’t know why to be honest. Some people has a hard time, right?

But now the days are approaching when we would get some confirmation. Kinda of nervous a bit.

2 kids?!

Fun, but a lot of work. Are we ready? Sometimes I think we are, somtimes I think we’re not.

But I guess that’s natural feeling, right? I remember having the same question when we were expecting our first…

Let’s see in the next couple of days. I’ll keep you posted!

How irritating this can be

I’m in a team of 2, kind of.
There are actually 3 more, but 1 is our manager who is involved in the project, but also in many other things, and the other 2 are temps. So full-time and 100% dedicated to our project, we are 2.

The thing is that we are completely different from each other.

I’m relaxed, I don’t worry too much about screwing things up, I let people do their stuff, I trust our vendors.
She is stressed out, she panics if she thinks any thing could go slightly wrong, she’s a control freak, she does not trust our vendors.

Most of the time I think we get a good balance out of it. A whole team stressed out is not healthy, and a whole team relaxed might not be the most productive one. So generally speaking we’re good.

But sometimes her stressing out and control freakiness just get to my nerves.

We just came out of a meeting. She was freaking out with the idea that we should ask vendors to do something that sounded risky to her (they might mess up by loosing data!!!???????). So she wanted us to create a tool to avoid them messing up.

Then we suggested that instead of creating a new tool, we should add this as a feature in an existing tool we will be providing as optional, but would perfectly fit the need for her worries.
Then she says that tool is optional, we need to provide vendors with the freedom not to use it.
So we said we could offer the tool as optional and also instruct them on how to do the same thing manually if they opt out for the tool.
Then she says she does not want them to do it manually, that’s why we need to create a new tool.

Hey! Am I missing something here? We need to get them the freedom not to use one tool, but then we impose a second tool? Ain’t that the same? Aren’t we breaking their “black box” (as she call it) anyway??? What’s the difference???

Argh!

Well, to make her happy we will add the feature in the existing tool and create a new simple one as well. It’s no big deal actually. I just dont’ think her discourse makes any sense!!!

And that irritates me!

Sometimes I feel stupid

I’m 35, but sometimes I sound as if I was a teenager, or even a kid.

I don’t know why, but I just don’t like the idea of having too much responsilibity.
I raise my kid all right and for that I take the responsibility. But at work…

I’m worse every day. I don’t want to talk to people, I get lazy doing some of the tasks, some days I just sit at my desk and do whatever, except work. In meetings I barely speak.

I think I should change my attitude, but I just don’t know how! Every day in the morning I tell myself that I’ll change, I’ll be more proactive at work, I’ll do everything that needs to get done. But when I get into the office, my brain goes back to the stupid behaviour and I get all introspective again, hating to have to deal with people.

But it’s not only at work. Any kind of business. I avoid calling companys to solve problems. I always go first to their website to see if I can solve things via email. But that’s not always possible. When it isn’t then I get delaying, delaying…. sometimes I just don’t do it at all.
When I do call, it’s no big deal, 2 minutes and all is solved. But just the thought of having to call strangers makes me feel sick. Then I keep delaying, delaying, delaying….

Don’t get me wrong, I love people. I’m a pretty social person, who loves parties, chatting with friends, travelling, etc. But when it comes to talk seriously, then I change and don’t talk. I never discuss religion and politics, and that’s not because I’m afraid of being politically incorrect, it’s just because I prefer not to think about those, not to expose my thoughts, not to have to talk serious stuff…

Is that behaviour for a 35 year old?
I wouldn’t think so…
It does bother me, but I cannot change. Don’t know how!

I just hope my little one will not inherit this trait from me.
In the meanwhile I’ll keep trying…

AAAARRGGHHH!!!!

You know those days when everything seems to go completly wrong and all you want is to run away and be by yourself on a lost tropical island, with plenty of shade, fresh coconut water, lots of fruits and nuts, doing absolutely nothing?

That’s today!

Toddler doesn’t want to eat for a few days now. At first we thought it was some tummy issues after the chilli they served at daycare last Thursday (which I don’t like by the way, but I’m about to change daycares next week so hopefully not more chilli or any other canned junk for a 19 month old little person). Then, since the thingy went on longer than it would be, had it really been caused by the chilli, we thought it could be just a toddler thing. Toddlers do sometimes decide not to eat anything for a few days, don’t they? But then, yesterday fever came.

Spouse is the one who stresses out more about those sort of things, so I’m right in between a non-eating (and now feverish) toddler and a stressed out spouse.

Then, at work I’m busier than I have ever been in the past 3 years and, on top of this, things are just not working well in there too…

AAAARRGGHHH!!!!

What do I do??????

I guess I need some vacations. From everything!!!!!